BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

In the United States - every 12 to 15 seconds a woman is beaten! This is according to studies by the F.B.I. whose statistics show an average of FOUR (4) women are beaten every minute of each day!

The Department of Justice has concluded that a woman is five times more likely to be attacked by her own partner than by a stranger.

Am I to believe then that I am not much safer in my own home with my doors locked than out on the streets? Sadly, in the case of my former marriage, the answer was yes. As stated here for most women, the abusers who victimized me in my life were, for the most part, people I knew or knew of... moreover ... my own husband and my own mother were my abusers.

I survived one incident as a teenager committed by strangers when I was the victim of a gang rape at age 15. Even with that, my most traumatic abuse was at the hands of a man I married, an intimate partner; someone I loved, someone I trusted.

In fact, each year 4 to 6 million women of all races and classes are battered by their spouse or intimate partner in the United States (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). This fact not only astounded me during my research, but has proven itself to be true since I've stepped into my advocacy work, attempting to heal from my own abuse. Society creates a false sense of security on safety issues where Domestic Violence is concerned, causing it to oftentimes become a hidden tragedy, clouted with shame and secrecy. The shame lies on the shoulders of the abuser, not the victim. You should not be ashamed to reach out for help... it could save your life.

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

On the outside, a woman may seem to have it all - a nice house, well-behaved children, fancy car, friends, family... But in an abusive relationship, these same women still exist in a world of hiding dark secrets of what goes on behind closed doors.

Who is "two doors down"? That thought had new meaning to me one night as I walked my dog through my neighborhood. This particular night, my dog growled as she stopped in her tracks. Caddy-corner to where we stood, a door slammed on the side of a house across and just down the street. I saw the shadow of a man bent over his wife, yelling at her. He appeared to have just thrown his wife through the screen door and she had fallen onto the patio floor. I froze for a moment as my dog stood with her hair raised at attention and I watched the familiar horror of these two strangers and feared his uncontrolled anger.

It wasn't but a moment that the man's head turned and took notice to my dog and I.
Quickly, we embarked upon our route again, swiftly jogging down the sidewalk as if I'd seen nothing. I tried to block out the woman's sobs as they faded my ears with each step. I stopped to gather my thoughts for a moment when I noticed that I was just two doors down from their house. Two doors down.

In researching facts about Domestic Violence, I learned that 95 to 98 % of victims who have been battered are women, however, that didn't shock me so much as the fact that 31% of all female murder victims were killed - not by strangers or serial killers - but by their spouse or partner! (U.S. Department of Justice)

Nearly 1/3 of female murder victims are killed by a person by someone they trusted and loved! In the State of Florida, a person is killed every 42 hours due to domestic violence (Governor's Task on Domestic Violence); and each year in Boston, Massachusetts, more than one million women seek medical treatment for injuries sustained by violent partners. Women who are victims of Domestic Violence are often severely injured and 22% to 35% of the women who visit emergency rooms each year in the Boston area are there because of ongoing partner abuse.

So then I wonder if its even worth the bother to lock my door at home, when we seem to be sleeping with the enemy.

I am a survivor of domestic violence and spousal abuse. That night I was in that confusing position of whether or not to call the police or get involved. I decided to stop and talk to my next door neighbor about it. She was not surprised as I told her what I had seen. her response was simply put...

"It won't do any good to call it in.... he's a cop..."

It sounded awful! I didn't know that the man was a police officer. He had been abusing his wife in that house for years; all the neighbors - - and cops - - knew already.

I was disgusted and appalled! A police officer? I repeated again and again in my mind... 'how horribly stuck that woman must feel', I kept thinking! Truth of the matter is ... batterers that were counseled for abusing their wives were often professional men, well respected in their jobs and communities.

THE COSTS OF ABUSE

According to the Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, one-third of the batterers included doctors, lawyers, psychologists, ministers and business executives! This epidemic is as widespread as the common cold; but continues to stand by the creed of "I see nothing" "I hear nothing" "I say nothing".

Each year, businesses waste as much as $100 million paying for lost wages, sick leave, absenteeism and non-productivity, and that's not even including any medical expenses from domestic violence. Expenses for medical treatment are a whopping $3 to $5 billion dollars in states like Colorado!!

THOSE CHILDREN DOWN THE HALL

So now, I ask, what about the children?



We cannot discuss domestic violence without consideration to the babies born in these messes. Children in the U.S. are being abused in 50% to 60% of the homes where there is spousal abuse. A child who witnesses domestic violence is suffering the abuse as well! Children are 1500 times more likely to be abused than children in homes without any violence. (Child Witness to Violence Project) More forgotten are the children who fall prey to the abusers' tactics of abuse, becoming the pawn in a substitute tool for abuse when fists won't reach anymore - and the system becomes the weapon, the children become the pain induced by the abuser - oftentimes parental alienation, kidnapping, false allegations, and frivolous custody battles ensue, and statistics show, the abusers usually win custody of the children about 75% of the time.

THE CYCLE

Approximately 3.3 million children will witness domestic violence in the United States this year. And thus begins the cycle; as 73% of abusers were also abused as children; and 60% of boys who witness violence in the home will grow up to abuse their adult mate.

Abused children become future abusers! 60% of boys who witness violence in their home will grow up to be abusers as well. Wow, 60% - so many little boys who never knew anything else.

What about my little boy? I vowed to break the cycle with my little boy.

THE QUESTION

Consider the casual discussions at a social gathering, and how most people are aware, often discussing how the rate of divorce has climbed tremendously, which is a well-known fact among nearly all Americans.

In fact, the percentages of failed marriages are so closely comparable to the numbers in Domestic Violence numbers, that it is imperative something be done to crack down on the family abuse problem. Has society fallen from the values and no longer promote the sanctity of loving families? Are we able to accept, as a nation, that a woman is being beaten every 15 seconds?! Why don't people take domestic violence seriously? Why is blame placed on the victim? Why are the battered victims made to be ashamed and afraid to reach out

?

Why isn't there enough support to end this deadly trend?

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect are a good place to turn for more information, but we all need to take a proactive step in support and advocacy if something is truly expected to change. We simply can't expect these women to leave their abusers - at which time they are THEN at a 75% greater risk of being killed than if they'd chosen to stay? The most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim is after they leave their abuser... yet, once they do leave, there's really very little help... very few options available to them. The reality of it is that, if they are lucky to find a place, they may get a 30 day placement in a shelter, and some group support/counseling offered them at that time; after that, they're on their own. 30 days to flee someone who could possibly be a risk to your very life, leaving everything behind, to hide, recover, and then figure out where to go next, how to support yourself, and how to maintain that safety from your abuser? 30 days is hardly enough time to get unpacked and catch your breath when you've suffered years of abuse and left everything in a risk for freedom and peace. I know... I have fled abuse.

I have left everything I owned behind and stayed hidden in a safe-house ... six months later I was still trying to feel safe enough to open the window shades and let the sunshine in, much less 30 days - much less being on my feet!

Six months later, I was still exhausted from my nightmares at night. I still had only one pair of shoes to my name, barely two bags of clothes - much less work clothes, and still no place to truly call a home. Six months later I was still driving around with everything I owned in my car... and I only had myself to scrape up from rock bottom... God forbid if I had my children with me - it'd be a whole different ballgame, as it is for many women.

Let me tell you... from experience... there is very little, if any, help at all out there!

In reality most of the shelters and outreach centers offer referrals to other shelters or outreach centers. Legal aid is a catch 22 and usually only helps with obtaining protective orders, which are a piece of paper that mean diddly-squat - they don't truly protect you without enforcement - which usually comes too late.

However, the Address Confidentiality Program is an awesome program, but is only available in 18 states at current time, and is very new, still in its infancy, and far too underfunded for the demand of the victims.

Victims compensation and relocation assistance is tied around so much red tape its damn near impossible to get if you have everything they require in tip top shape and it takes a long time to process. Usually when you need it, you need it right away and your life is in chaos. These services often look good on paper, but the reality of it is that they are not functional at all.

I hate to say it so bluntly, but to be honest with you, assistance for dv victims is a joke.... there is none. It makes DV advocacy work very frustrating and challenging. It makes the fight to end domestic violence seem impossible to win... its certainly an uphill battle.

So, what do we do? Well, we should not ask the question, "Why do they stay?". We NEED to ask the question, "How can we help them once they get out?" How can we stop this struggle of poverty that leads them back?"

We can answer their question of ... "I left... Now what???"

The New England Journal of Medicine states that 10 times more women are victimized by domestic violence than diagnosed with breast cancer each year. I, personally, have had three close friends diagnosed with breast cancer within the last 4 years or so, and one dear friend who has already passed away. Do I dare think how many other women I may personally know that are suffering in silence behind closed doors like I did for so many years? I cannot say for sure, but I do know that two doors down, anything can be happening!

There are outreach centers and resources available with hotlines set up across the country open 24 hours a day with operators who can give you referrals if needed. If you or someone you know is in a violent relationship or situation, please find the strength to seek help.

For the millions of victims out there, there are millions more Survivors too! No more children should have to grow up in an abusive homes! No more women should be caged their whole lives by fear.

Education and awareness is a step. But social involvement and community outreach is imperative if our country is going to stop this vicious cycle. A for all fellow Survivors, lets pull together and lean on each other.

We can combine our strength to help victims that are still out there.

I wish someone had pulled me free. Sure, freedom has its price, being a Survivor changes you, but so does the freedom from fear after being afraid and having to escape to save your own life. A lot of family and friends who knew about the abuse chose to remain quiet and still, to this day, are uncomfortable talking about what I endured!

Nearly 9 years after and I still suffer, I may suffer the rest of my life and that may be my destiny. But I do not suffer in silence any more! Nobody should....see my abuser came back, six years after I left the relationship, gotten a protective order, moved to another state, remarried, and found a new life - - six years later my abuser came back and executed a very meticulously thought out plan to take my child from me, and he succeeded - six years after I left... He campaigned others against me, manipulating many into joining him in parental abduction and false allegations against me, and its been more than two years since I've seen my son. Everyone thought we were safe from him all those yars later; but I always knew he'd have his moment in the end if he could; I had that gut maternal feeling of danger, and I was right. Though, I took all the precautions, did everything they suggest doing, but simply put - the help wasn't there. The people I reached out to didn't take me seriously, thinking I was overreacting since we'd been out of the abuse so long, and I will suffer and pay the price with the pain reaching most importantly, a little boy who lost his mother due to domestic violence. His innocence was shattered, and will never return. Our lives will forever be missing something in the hole that exists where his childhood memories, feelings of safety and security once lived.

I will never get over the pain of losing my little boy. Thats why I will never be silent or be shamed or secreted in the abuse anymore, and I will help make a change wherever I can. That is why I write this today, and ask each reader to share the awareness. Share solutions, and become survivors!

See also Its Almost Tuesday and Share Legal Awareness our associated blogs; and please remember to pass the knowledge along, link to us, post your comments, or contact me at itsalmosttuesday@gmail.com.

(c) 2007 J.M.M., all rights reserved